Thursday, April 28, 2016

Let's Air This Out

Okay, I decided that I need to address what some of my readers have been commenting about lately.  I want to get it out there so that hopefully everybody that reads this blog will understand.  First of all, I do not have a death wish, but apparently I don't fear it as much as others do and maybe it's not so much not fearing it as I have this almost invincibility attitude about myself.  Yes, I know we're not invincible, but it's an attitude of mind, heart, and spirit more than anything.  I've been near death before guys and I'll probably be near death again, but at the same time I'm not going to let the threat of that dictate my actions.   

When I was 11 years old I had a fractured skull and fell into a short coma.  When I was 28 years old I had 7 blood clots in my body at the same time, fell into a coma for 10 days, during those 10 days according to the medical professionals working on me I nearly died and it was a miracle I survived and before you ask no I never saw any tunnel or white lights.  During my marriage I unknowingly had pneumonia and passed out behind the wheel with the cruise control at 65 miles an hour, ran off the highway, went airborne, and woke up on impact.  I walked away with a single cut and a bruises.   Back in February when the blood clot in the lung put me in the hospital the doctor told me at the time I was near death and he didn't think I would make it out to the sidewalk which was less than 50 yards away. Was he over embellishing it, who knows, but if we take it at face value that's the fourth time in my life I nearly died.

Now, if I just laid back and stopped living every time I nearly died what would be the point of that.  I am going to live life on my terms as I see it and if I end up dying, unfortunate as that would be, I would be with my wife finally so there's a positive aspect to everything.  It's not what I want to happen, but I refuse to roll over and stop doing what I want in this world.  Tomorrow is never promised and when my wife died suddenly even though I knew it before then it totally made me realize you have to go after each and everything you want each and every day you're here because you never know what tomorrow could bring.  Because I have not yet quit smoking does not mean I have a death wish.  I've been smoking for 30 years and if you think that just everyone can just up and quit, you're wrong.  For me it's going to take a good amount of time.  If you think I have a death wish because I got into a fight with emergency room personnel well that's crazy too.  Are you telling me you just blindly accept  whatever rule somebody may have and even if you don't like it you go along with it or would you say "no that rule is wrong and if that's going to be the condition of our interaction then I will find  another agency to interact with."  Its not like they were the only hospital in this town and I knew that there would be another hospital that was less stringent about certain things so I went to it I was admitted and I was discharged.   If I truly had a death wish I would not have let myself be admitted and I would not have stayed until the doctor said it was ok to leave.
I will be the first to admit I do not take authority very well, I never have, and I doubt highly I ever will.  I've always been the rebellious type, the one who will fight back when someone tells me you have to do this, or it has to be this way, or it can't be that way, and a lot of times in that rebelliousness I will attempt to do the complete opposite.  Is that a flaw or a positive aspect of my personality.  If you asked a hundred people you may get 50 answers one way and 50 the other and I'm not even going to attempt to answer it, but I know it is what I've always done for nearly half a century of life on this Earth and will continue to do so for quite some time to come.   Since I've left the hospital the second time I have taken my medication religiously, I've already seen a pulmonologist who is referring me to a hematologist that I will also go to see.  I will be utilizing an additional medication that needs to be taken once a day that my doctor recommended and I also agree, to an overnight sleep study that will be conducted in my own bed by the use of technology.  The bottom line is I'm doing everything I can to get through this, but I will not stop playing poker, I will not stop taking caffeine pills to get me through my poker sessions, and quite frankly the doctor did not tell me that I need to do either. I did a little Google search and found out a quote from a doctor in San Diego I believe it was that you can safely take 400 milligrams of caffeine a day.

As for my close friend that happens to be a nurse hell I drive her insane with my lackadaisical attitude.  The same could be said for my buddy Joseph (maninblack)   Half the time my brutha from another mother wants to crack me upside the head and tie me in a chair in the nearest doctor's office but they also both know that I'm going to do what I do and they get somewhat insistent when the need arises.  They are both awesome friends.  

Bottom line is you don't have to agree with my decisions but don't be saying I have some sort of death wish because I don't.   I guess in the end I simply wait until the absolute last possible second before I finally address my medical issues that arise, but the difference between me and Tony is I do address them so take that "Tonyism" bullshit and stuff it lmao.  Now no one take that last part overly personal, I was laughing when I wrote it. 


  1. Got it, you are on a free roll.

    The problem with free roll is, most people don't play it well. You don't have to be one of those people.

    GL as always.

  2. Nice post, enlightening and interesting

  3. I'm dying (figuratively speaking) to read about the time you passed out behind the wheel and woke-up airborne! Do share!

  4. Spot on. Live your life the way you choose. Choose being the operative word. Life is all about choices and no one else uses or can use the same measuring stick we use in making them. We all view life through our very own prism.